7 things to do on Halloween if you're apathetic


Halloween isn't for everyone.  Personally,  it's like my Christmas.  However, many people just don't feel the need to be festive - my husband included.  So, if you are among the few that are completely disinterested in this holiday, I have come up with some excellent tips on how to make it a lot more interesting for you.

(DISCLAIMER: Do not try this at home.  This reading material is for entertainment purposes only.  If you are under 18 you probably shouldn't be reading this.  If you do these things, you may actually be committed to an institution.  Just saying.  I mean, not really, but sort of.  So, I guess just make smart choices.  Maybe just turn on the Disney channel, put on a little rouge and some fangs for Christ sakes and call it an evening.) 

1. Run down the street in a diaper and cape screaming "IT'S CONTAMINATED WITH ENTEROVIRUS!" while you randomly throw your candy into the air, at old people, kids or at trees.

2.  Go back later and pick up all your candy, and hoard all the others too, since they're too afraid to eat yours and they probably tossed theirs in avoidance of an ER visit.  (SCORE!)

3.  Randomly answer the door while simultaneously blowing your nose and uncontrollably hacking into the dish.  Wipe your nose all along your sleeve for effect.  You'd be surprised how long your candy lasts and how many people politely run away from your stash. 

4.  Dress up as half Hannah Montana and half Miley Cyrus.  In one hand hold an over-sized Haribo bear whilst half your hair is twisted into a stunted unicorn horn, and in the other a Jem and the Holograms inspired outfit with a microphone laced with Disney images.  Say things like, "I'm being true to Miley," and, "Noh ah sayin'?" and, "Respect my journey."  (It is especially awkward if you say this while you repeatedly slap your inappropriate areas with a foam number one finger/hand.) 

5.  Skulk around your supermarket, especially around the candy sections, asking people if they want your signature.  Hiss at them while flicking a snake-like tongue when they say no.  Hand them your resume after.

6.  Wait for trick-or-treater's to approach your door while you hide in the bushes.  Then when they ring the doorbell, run out of those bushes dressed like a horse-headed-man.  Then take off your horse head, apologize, and explain to the kids that this is a direct result of you watching the Godfather at a very young age, and how they should be vigilant about TV ratings and viewing restrictions.  Also, they should avoid eating cannoli at any and all costs.

7.   Fill up "boo bags" with pennies, bobby pins, old keys, unused 3m strips, a few dryer sheets, odor eaters, and old pastel candies.  Ring and run neighbors houses - but then stand at the end of their driveway in clear eyesight.  Laugh maniacally when they look directly at you, strangely confused by your behavior, then wave and ask them if they are doing anything later.