Dear ATM Debit Machine

Why must you torment me so?  When I swipe my card, I don't know, can you just REGISTER it?  By registering it, I mean, can you please just read the data and go about your business?  Do I have to answer all these asinine questions before my purchase can be completed?  I think two questions MAXIMUM should be allowed.  Anything more than that is utterly ridiculous, and just an absolute waste of my time and everyone else behind me.

Why, prey tell is it ridiculous, you ask?  I will inform you.

In this world full of instant gratification and multiple choice, we have over delegated options for choices to the debit card machine.  It should be swipe, punch in pin and you're done.  Get out.  Get on with your life.
But, no, wait!, now you have to ask if I have a *special-like fancy* frequent buyer card, and if not, "what's my phone number?".  After that, I swipe my card, yet again, another question irrelevant to my purchase.  "Would I like to donate and support Dolphins with athletes foot?".  I have my own charitable donations I participate in, and no I would not like to participate today.  Do you think that's the end of relentless debit card machine and the twenty questions game?  NO.  Nooooooo.  I'm barely reeling back from the last questions time sink - and pondering my sanity as I feverishly eye-scan the isles adjacent to this machine for my whirling dervish children - next round of questions is, "Would you like cash back?".  No, I don't, I just want this to END... but I can't find the frigging button to select that option since it's hidden and basically like 20 times smaller than the actual size of the other buttons.  THEN I am asked to swipe again.  AGAIN!?!?  Holy mother of all that is decent... I'm about to blow a major fuse and start to spark electricity simultaneously from my butt and ears.  My kids are screaming and running down the isle behind me to my left (outside of eyesight), and the cashier asks me to scan the card again.  OMFG.  I literally exclaim out loud, "AGAIN?!?!?!" and scan it again.  FINALLY the purchase is complete.  Apparently, I have a new frequent special card, my phone number is listed for it's use when ever I want it (DIDN'T ASK FOR THAT AT ALL), and I have donated 50.00 to Dolphins with athletes foot.

I grab the bag, run after my children and gather up what is left of my fragmented brain from this entire experience.  I. NEVER. WANT. TO. GO. TO. A. STORE. AGAIN.  That's it, I'm going to make a garden and just grow everything I  need.  I'll have bushels of things growing fruitfully from trees... things like ear thermometer batteries, lactaid, toothpaste and toilet paper.  Then I won't have to deal with the evil debit card machine EVER AGAIN.