It's increasingly difficult as a dark minded person (and especially as a mother) to find like minded people in this stage of life. Everyone around me seems to be in a different universe: happy, appropriate, saying the right things, dressing the right way, watching the right things and doing all the socially acceptable things expected of married w/ children adults. Me? I feel so UNBELIEVABLY outside of that description. I'm an artist at heart and as such I'm extremely withdrawn... social interaction is a source of anxiety for me. Coordinating play dates quickly becomes a social anxiety nightmare for me, usually. I'm sarcastic, I can be highly cerebral, and way too honest to the point of unintentionally insulting(?), and I really don't know how to sugar coat things. I am 100% real, and I guess I have to come to terms with that... but it can be very hard to fit into the world of people that seem to know how to magically navigate this universe without a bead of sweat from the entire process. Social outings and meeting new people make me sweat with nervous anticipation. In contrast, I enjoy conversations with men and most jock type personalities, because there is no guess work... it is what it is. They lay it out on the line and say what they mean. I respect that (even though sometimes I need it delivered kinder). Most of the women I click with are either 'guys girls" or have similar social anxiety to me - so they get me.
Problem is... I'm the mom who likes thriller and slasher themed horror movies. I listened to The Cure and Marilyn Manson, and went to the concerts of: Rob Zombie, The Cult, Nine Inch Nails, Type O Negative, among others. Those were the BEST concerts I have ever been to... seriously. I am the kind of person to seek out Fearnet on TV when I can't sleep, and I love hearing about stuff that is just dark and twisted. When other little girls were reading fairy tales, I was reading Edgar Allen Poe, and writing dark poetry myself. I found peace by doing my homework in cemetery's. They were the one place I wasn't beaten up, emotionally abused by peers, and just made to feel like an outcast. Only peace and serenity was found there... strange right? I wore black lipstick for a time, and went to goth themed clubs. Honestly, the men and women there were amazingly accepting, empathetic and artistically open in a way that made me feel all my socially awkward weirdness was right at home - no judgement. It was a sanctuary for me.
So here I am now, a mother to two girls... one is gifted, and I imagine the other is along that path too based on my experience with her. How do I navigate this weird world for them in a way they will get it... since I STILL don't? I have little friends, and those I have are similar to me... all feeling that "odd ball out feeling", or plagued with anxiety on some levels too. That's not to say that I'm not certain levels of normal either... I bake home made bread all the time, amazing gourmet dinners, and am recently getting into dresses (really I'm just efficient, and I hate having to think about what I am wearing), and am described so interestingly as a "cheerleader looking type". I am basically, as a friend termed it, "the gothic Martha Stewart". I'm a country inspired cook, IT geek, science nerd, a sensitive and all around cool person. All the positives aside, being the "dark" person among the normal people is not always easy - even as an adult. Just as it wasn't easy as a kid. I'm slowly starting to understand though, that this is more than OK. I am who I am... and if people don't like me... screw 'em. They are missing out, because if they venture beyond the surface - there is a really cool, very accepting individual there who would bend over backward for you... and cook you a killer crab stuffed artichoke dinner.
Until the next post, thanks for reading, and as always I welcome comments from anyone who appreciates my writing! :)