Catching the ITIS

The addition of "itis" (pronounced: EYE-tiss) can be applied to just about any word for added emphasis, and is really effective when used to describe someone's negative behavior.  Especially in cases where this behavior is unwarranted, unsolicited, and as if it's coming randomly out of nowhere - all wrapped up in a pretty little package of enraged hatred just for you.

For today's post, my specific inspiration was a person who caught douche-itis. You see, this person (who will remain nameless in order to protect them from their own ridiculous actions) came back from hanging out with another individual who has a chronic case of douche-itis.  Unfortunately, the infected person rubbed off on the healthy person and they returned to me with a mild case of douche-itis.  They left my presence four hours earlier happy, filled with hope, a pleasant demeanor and extremely healthy.  When they returned from the objectionable infected friend, there was an unmistakable chip on their shoulder, a chill in their tone of voice, detached ambivalence towards my emotional sharing and an abnormally heightened level of "I hate the world." dripping from every orafice and pore.  It was downright disgusting and absolutely offensive.

When I confronted this individual regarding the newfound illness they most definitely caught, I was met with low grumbling - which quickly escalated to frustration and then in minutes it was furious anger.  The cous de grace was when I was being verbally reprimanded (as they were helping me change some bed linens) for not having alternated the sheets for the bedding to the other set, as opposed to what I did (which was just stripping the current linens, washing them and replacing them back onto the bed).  The HORROR.  GASP!  I have defaced the holiest of holy's.  Holy sacrilege batman!  There is no sin considered higher in evilness level as the one which is committed by the unrepentant linen changer. That's straight to hell - with absolutely no get out of molten lava free cards.  I may actually burst into flames at the first sight of a holy figure or a cross.

The next day symptoms had improved somewhat.  Apparently, without having caught the chronic case of it, the milder version only lasts 24 hours.  So, let this serve as a warning to you all.  Stock up on your tocopherols, antioxidants, oregano oil, voodoo dolls, sea salt, dragons blood and any other bewitched or homeopathic items to maintain your health and not be weakened by a case of douche-itis.  If you do catch it, the recipe for a quick recovery is to just drown in liquor, let anything fly out of your mouth without thought or concern for your audience (keeping it held inside only doubles the symptoms) and insult whoever is nearest to you as much as possible within a few hours until you pass out from the stress of it all.  Screaming at people helps a lot too.  By morning (having been separated by a significant distance from any other human beings overnight) things should be right as rain.  Although you might have some foggy recollection of the events and how they unfolded from the last 24 hours.

Douche-itis is just bad juju, man.