Random Thoughts by Abbie


Humpty Dumpty is an evil egg brought to this earth by aliens.  The middle of his egg core is definitely green ooze that burns through stainless steel.

The Disney Ariel flip cell phone is downright creepy, and quite frankly stalker-ish.
Ariel creepy cell phone whisper voice:
"You and I are going to be friends, FOR-E-VER. *Insert Ariel's maniacal sociopath giggle*"  Holy stalker batman!

I don't need therapy thanks to Bob Ross.  Because of him, I have now come to terms with the fact that I am not a mistake, but rather a happy accident.

If there were a zipper embedded into my torso, and I could unzip my "costume", inside would be Gru from "Despicable Me".

I have a Grover from Sesame Street type mouth, when it opens it allows the back of my head to completely fall flush with my spine.

I just ate my weight in peanuts.  If I suck down a whole bottle of Pinot Noir, a packet of yeast, and some water, maybe I'll confuse my stomach into thinking I had a monster peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

I look perfectly normal on the outside.  Kind of similar to the expression "Smiling on the Inside".  Except my smile is a toothy psychotic clown smile, and I'm eating Little Debbie oatmeal cookie patties on the inside while looking at you from the side of my face.

I speak fluent cell phone incorrect auto-correct texting language.  If your phone screws up your text and replaces your normal words with whacked out ones, no worries!  I can decipher it within five seconds, and respond appropriately.  Seriously, I know you didn't just call me a monkey-twit-for-brains-loser, and ask if I wanted to greet for a lemon.

I'm tired now.  YAWN.
Random thoughts take up a lot of energy apparently.

411 on House Possession

Thirteen things I learned from watching Paranormal Activity 3 (contrary to how I would normally feel compelled to act in a haunting experience):

1. If a demon is possessing your house, shrug it off like it's nothing and it probably will go away on its own without any intervention.

2. If your kid is talking to an "invisible friend", qualify who this friend is by asking a few questions.  Also, it might be in good form to show concern when that "friend" is described as easily angered and older than Grandma.  Oh, and living in the creepy eaves like closet space in your daughters room.

3. At moments where your possessed house shakes like its an earthquake, it's perfectly fine to take a break, and video tape yourself using paraphernalia and smoking things while engaging in foreplay with your boyfriend.  That is really responsible parenting.

4. If you're the baby sitter for the children in a demonic home and you hear a noise in the kids bedroom... immediately go check it out.   While in there, if a demon entity punches you in the face, you shouldn't wake the kids and bring them to safety... without hesitation step back quietly, peer at the sleeping kids 12 inches from where you were attacked and leave them helpless while you walk quietly down the stairs to wait until the parents come home several hours later.  Definitely.  Good move.

5. If you're the babysitter and without knowing there appears a demonic ghost in the shape of a kid under a sheet behind you... yeah, wait 10 minutes then turn around - NOT before.  When you notice there is a weird sheet on the ground behind you, don't waste time questioning where it came from, just fold it and continue reading.

6. If you're a male sitter watching a female child and helping out your buddy, it's a really good idea to take that child into the bathroom, turn off all the lights, and play Bloody Mary.

7. If a demon scratches your body while playing Bloody Mary in the dark, you should pretend everything is fine.  Because, that was just an "accident", everything is really fine.

8. While the house is shaking like an earthquake from the demon, and while it's throwing around the furniture like a tornado outside of where you are trapped, it's a good idea to open the door of your safe place several times to *watch*.

9. If your home is trashed by the wrath of an unseen demon entity while you are trapped in the bathroom, after things calm down you should not leave the house immediately and bring the child with you.  You should instead pick up the mess the demon made.  You don't want people to think you're a slob of a baby sitter, do you?

10. When your kid tells you a demon pulled her hair and levitated her body three feet above the floor, tell her to shut up and quit whining.  OBVIOUSLY she's just looking for attention, and besides... what does she know anyway?  There are no such things as ghosts or demons.  Whiny brat.

11.  Completely ignore and refuse to acknowledge any video tape recorded at your home, by your boyfriend, that proves your home and children are being attacked by a demon.  Out of sight, out of mind.

12. It's OK to repeatedly refuse your mother's multiple requests to have you stay at her home in lieu of your possessed one.  UNLESS the entire kitchen disappears and then 10 seconds later falls from the ceiling.  Then I suppose it's alright.

13.  If your home is still possessed, after doing nothing and ignoring it, blame your boyfriend for everything.  That will surely put an end to things. 

The fact that there are thirteen numbered items is completely coincidental and not associated with some weird kind of cult fascination of needing to have thirteen things.

I almost had 9 things.

That is all.

Funk Stew Recipe

While I was away in la la land, skipping and singing la la's... I basically lived off of this amazing stew that really satisfied my ravenous hunger.  I actually became a HUGE fan of this recipe, so much in fact, that I ate it for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I never got tired of it.  Ever.  Perhaps it could use a little tweaking, and I'm sure there are a few substitutions that could be made here and there... but for the most part, it's perfect just as it is.  On a cold, rainy, windy, gloomy night, go ahead and make this for yourself.


1 TSP of internalized rage (substitute with depression)
1 cup of WTF... Really?
1 cup of bewildered confusion
2 TBLSPN of loss of control
2.5 cups of severe social anxiety
8 oz. of endless analyzation
**you may add a good old fashioned pour of Vinegar, to increase the bitterness to mouth puckering "holy pucker batman" level.

*Additional notes/ variations for recipe: (thanks to some friends adding their $.02)
- Internalized rage solidifies into depression if you let it sit too long. (JW)
- A little Maylox may be helpful if you suffer from acid reflux and or bitterness. (EM)
- Garnish with a hearty dash of hopelessness and serve it w/ a bottle of Jack. (LH)
- Add an extra fifteen minutes of aggression and tantrum-ing. (W)

Mix the above together with a few dashes of fruitless worry and a handful of bullsh**.  Stir until all the ingredients form a hard unmoving ball of impossible-ness.  This dish is best suited as the main course of a formal dinner, and be sure to serve politely with a fork, knife, and white linen cloth.

I'm baaaaaack!

Hello friends, it's your favorite nut ball, back from the depths of the Black Hole I crawled into last year.  Before you ask (because the Aliens gave me mind reading capability there)- I'll just answer:Yes, it was dark.  Yes, it was scary.  Yes, I got REALLY tired of relentless meteorites smacking me in the head when I *just* wanted to lay out on the deck.  But, I digress.  Being in a black hole is also very rejuvenating for your soul, in a way.  You can't help but be introspective, to the point of obsessiveness.  Because, well, what the heck else are you going to do while sitting in a black hole?  So I thought, and thought, and thought some more.  I realized I didn't want to think anymore.  I did, however, want to keep writing.  So here I am again, to bother the lot of you with my insane dribble about nothing, and how nothing is out to get me personally.  What is my purpose in life if I can't pretend like people actually give a poo about my verbal diarrhea?

What's it like living in a black hole? 
There were some great bars there - even better drinks.  The aliens were nice to me.  I slept a lot.  Whined a lot.  Was kind of pissy for a bit.  Then got my act together, and decided to return to the land of the living where carbon and oxygen reside.  Then I also decided to just throw caution to the wind and join Twitter.  I know, what am I thinking right?  You're saying to yourself... "slow down there killer!".  Something inside me inherently feels as if I have to make up for the slacking, and the lost time during my hiatus. 

Consider this a warning.  I'm going to verbally puke all over you.