I am a freak of nature, a superhero.
I am a goddess.
I can deal with days on end of blood curdling screaming babies vomiting black tar - WITHOUT A FLINCH!
I can do dishes THE SIZE OF KILIMANJARO in one second!
I can take out the maggot filled garbage cans - without one gag or bead of sweat!
I can transfer funds, email, pay bills, and pee all at the same time and in 30 seconds!! 
I can manage the whole house, AND handle all the corporate crap because I'M SO AWESOME!
I can cook meals for EVERYONE... my family, the neighborhood, ALL OF AFRICA!
I can drive the kids all over the entire friggin' world in a nanosecond!
I can do 85 million laundry piles BY JUST BLINKING MY EYES!!!
I can bake muffins entirely by telekinesis!
I can bend the will of strangers to INSTANTLY EMPATHIZE with screaming kids!
I can eliminate global warming by one exhale of my magic ozone fixing breath!
I can light candles with my finger tips because I'm so fast I'M ON FIRE! 
My urine is made of 150% Colombian espresso!!
I can make rainbows shoot out of my butt!
I can multitask so fast I create TORNADOES from the sheer speed of my movement!
I can make soft serve ice cream FROM MY TEAR DUCTS!
I can GLANCE at a book and instantly absorb it THROUGH OSMOSIS!!!
I can heal multiple compound fractures WITH A KISS!
I can part the SEA with a wave of my fancy hand - ON COMMAND!

I am a MOM...
Stand back and squint, lest my amazing power of sheer awesomeness blind you.