Foot in Mouth Disease

Foot in Mouth disease is a really despicable thing. Unfortunately, I seem to suffer from a horrid case of it and have no understanding how to rid myself of this terrible predicament. This is not, however, to be confused with "Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease". The latter causes fever and blister-like eruptions in the mouth and/or a skin rash. In my opinion, Foot in Mouth disease is a far worse ailment.

Over the years the level of my infection with this disease has gotten significantly worse. I attribute this only to the fact that I am older now, and thereby more aware of myself and my interactions with others. That, or it's just that the people around me are less tolerant of my stupidity and are more open to telling me how much I sound like an utter moron. I try, I really do try to think in advance of what I am saying before it comes out of my mouth... but it doesn't always end up where I was hoping for. Ultimately my statements are followed by looks of disgust, shock, rolling of the eyes, or worse - the backwards head jerk with a fluttering blink. Ooh... that's the worst response. That one literally hurts.

An episode of "Foot in Mouth Disease" typically begins with me saying something I think is fairly harmless. I'll divulge something about myself in a self-deprecating way, thinking it's quite funny. It's only when the last word is still hanging in a bubble outside of my mouth, that I realize I just said something also relevant to the person I'm conversing with. Only I thought I was insulting myself, and I just inadvertently insulted them too. Here comes that *pit-in-stomach* feeling now. Great. Now, this is where it gets worse... the condition takes on a life of it's own, escalating drastically and the worst symptom of all takes hold: uncontrollable verbal diarrhea. Adding insult to injury, I then follow the verbal diarrhea episode with nonsensical babbling further digging myself into the already appalling mess I have created. The unlucky soul to have crossed my path is now left burdened and broken in the wake of my verbal assault. Now maybe you will see just how horrible this disease really is, and the endless levels of my affliction.

If you think you might also suffer from Foot in Mouth Disease, here's a list of the common symptoms:

1) Despite thinking you are hysterically funny, your statements are often met with looks of shock, horror and flinches of disgust.
2) You find yourself *wanting* more and more "alone" time, since the idea of no one wanting to be friends with you based on your personalty is a harsher realization.
3) You are actually a hermit.
4) You have your own radio station broadcasting from a cabin in the woods.
5) You used to live in a normal town as a member of a civilized society, until they ostracized you and stoned you to death (for no apparent reason).
6) Your family refers to you as "the one that just isn't right", and
at gatherings they place you in the corner with the fish tank and the shitzu dog with its period.
7) You have uncontrollable urges to "shake things up" in conversation, and this urge often leads you to sound like an incoherent homeless person off medication.
8) Animals have a strange affinity for you, and in contrast random people run away from your mere presence.
9) You suffer from spastic verbal diarrhea, followed by uneventful nonsensical babbling.
10) You have an actual foot growing out of your mouth.

If you have more than 3 of the symptoms above, you might have Foot in Mouth Disease.

If you especially have the symptoms listed in lines 3, 4, 5 and 10, you're in the advanced stages of this disease and your condition is sadly untreatable. You might want to consider contracting Ebola, or playing with fire.


  1. Help! My mouth tastes like foot... and animals eye me strangely!

  2. I'm sorry to say you may have the first stages of this disease. Please see a doctor immediately, and stop talking altogether.