Feverishly I start looking around the neighbors yards to see if they have the same issue. Surely the earth hugging female neighbors will have some mushrooms that they haven't removed. They would harm themselves before removing something from the earth that was randomly placed by nature. I know they must have something ominous in their yard too??? Peering through the kitchen doors onto their backyard, I see it. Yes!! It's a collection of mushrooms!!! WooHOO! I haven't failed miserably at lawn care maintenance.
Wait. Ant farts. It's just a lawn sprinkler.
I AM a failure and a harbor-er of acid trip inducing 'shrooms.
I know, I know, you're thinking Mushrooms? Really?? That's worth a post??
These are not just any mushrooms I tell you... they are so big that I in fact question their chemical composition. It's absolutely impossible that these things are from planet earth, and are based in an environment of carbon and oxygen. The more I harp on it, the more I am convinced they have been placed here by aliens overnight and are pawns watching my every move. Their size is akin to medium satellite dishes colored in ecru with light brown bumps (radio signals I bet to their mother ship), armed with an entourage of miniature phallic soldiers surrounding the base.
It's more than creepy, it's downright frightening.
I am pondering the steps to remove them, but fear that in doing so will disrupt a tiny colony of aliens masquerading as mushrooms which will raid my home in the wee hours of the morning and implant tracking devices in my ears. All of my solutions involve some sort of vinegar or bleach, and I doubt that would even make a mark in these towers of putrescent filth. Abduction is a very strong possible outcome if I tamper with these mushrooms. That's how ridonculously big these freaking things are. Yes, I used the word RIDONCULOUS. It's either I face alien experimentation, quite possibly an abduction, or the mushrooms might simply burn my flesh when I attempt to remove them. Huge probes would definitely extrude from their mushroom center wiping out my eyeballs and half my face in one fell swoop. Kind of like that discovery channel show I once watched with hot husband where they showed barnacles mating. Male barnacles have a strange probe that extends something like 15 to 20 times their length in order to violate their neighboring female barnacles' cavity. The conversation at that juncture got awkwardly pointed toward sexuality...
Husband: "Did you see THAT?"
Me: "Why yes, yes I... uh, did. Um..."
Husband: "Are you strangely turned on by this, or is it just me?"
Me: "Actually I am utterly horrified - yet aroused."
Me: "Are the kids asleep?"
Personally I never liked mushrooms, or barnacles. They both remind me too much of body parts that are icky.
I do like my face and eyeballs though.
I'm all of a sudden hungry for a cucumber maki roll.
Fungus can suck it.
OK so when the Husband read this, he had some questions:
Husband: "Why do mushrooms and barnacles remind you of icky body parts? And what body parts... I don't understand."
Me: "Well Mushrooms look awfully phallic to me."
Husband: "Not all mushrooms, maybe a couple."
Me: "That's enough for me to write them off all together."
Husband: "What body part do barnacles remind you of?"
Me: "The other side of things... You know."
Husband: "Barnacles don't look like that to me at all."
Me: (thinking to myself) that's because it's not there, it's where the poop comes out.
Husband: "Why do you find those parts icky?"
Me: "I don't know I just do."
Husband: "What?? Do you prefer eunuch's then?"
Me: "Yes. Everyone in my perfect universe would be like a Ken doll, or a department store mannequin."